Thursday, February 18, 2010

How Not to Cook a Steelhead

Steelhead trout (Picture source: my photo album)

How Not to Cook a Steelhead
(I really, really wish I had taken a picture.)
By Packrat Sue

Move oven rack to the center of the oven

Preheat oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit

Take a largish (28 inches long) whole fish
(cleaned of course)
(In this case, a highly prized steelhead
from the Salmon River in Idaho)
Rinse it with fresh cold water
Drop it on the floor
Rinse the fish again
Drop it on the floor
Say a bad word or two

Try to hold on to fish
long enough to get it back into the sink
without the dogs or cats getting to it first.
Rinse the fish again
Finally get smart
Leave the fish in the sink
Pat it dry with paper towels
Pick it up to turn it over
Drop fish again
(luckily in the sink this time)
Pat it dry again

Wash hands and splash soap on the fish
Rinse hands well
Rinse sink and fish again
Pat fish and sink dry
Carefully turn the fish
Pat the other side dry

Go into the bathroom and wash hands

Look for heavy paper grocery sacks
None to be found
Only light-weight brown sacks
Grab two. That should work.
Butter insides of both sacks
More butter on my sleeves than the sacks
because sleeves won't stay pushed up

Wash hands again cuz have you ever tried
picking up an already slippery fish with
greasy hands??? (No comment.)

Get fish into first paper bag
Wrap it tight
Get second paper bag on fish
Wrap it tight
Put package on large cookie sheet
Use weight of fish to hold down the extra paper

Put fish in oven
Set timer
Scrub potatoes
Put potatoes in microwave
Start to play solitaire

Jump three feet off chair when the smoke alarm goes off.
Realize that there is smoke billowing out
of every crack in the range.
Try to get the dogs out of the way to get to the smoke alarm.
Dogs are barking and just about
knocking me over because they can't stand the noise.
Get smoke alarm into bathroom
and shut the door so it stops screeching.

Wade through the whimpering/whining dogs.
Get back to kitchen to see even more smoke billowing
out of the oven and burners.
Reach to turn off oven.

I left the oven on the Preheat setting.
The broiler had been on all this time.
Turn off oven.
Wait five minutes
Carefully open oven door
The paper bags had come unwrapped from around fish
and are touching the top element in the oven.
The bags burst into flame again.
Slam door shut.
Wait another five minutes.
Carefully open oven door
Bags are still glowing and start to flare up.
Slam shut oven door
Wait ten minutes
Open oven door
Black pieces of paper EVERYWHERE
The fish is black.
I am in tears.

Brush burned stuff off fish best I can.
Oh, only skin is burned and the fish isn't quite done.
Return fish to 350 degree oven
NOT using the preheat setting.
Paper residue burns up

Get potatoes
Quickly slice
Fry potatoes for a few minutes.
Remove fish from oven and remove burned skin

Eat the most delicious dinner of fish, charred paper, and fried potatoes.

The fish was delicious. It was done to perfection and tasted like it had been cooked over an open campfire.



Barb said...

Oh, my gosh - I was laughing so hard! That really should have been caught on tape!!

I'm glad that you at least had a good dinner - it sounds absolutely delicious! Truly nothing better than Steelhead right out of the Salmon River! I have a few in the freezer, I would love your recipe with the paper bags (minus the fire!) sounds like an interesting way to cook them. Thanks for making my day!

Chuckles and hugs,


Adrienne said...

I wish I had been there to watch the whole thing. Hilarious!

Madeline's Album said...

This was a wonderful story I laughed so hard I almost wet by pants. Even with all your difficulties getting the fish ready to cook and while cooking I am so glad you had a delicious dinner. Have a blessed day. Madeline

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

I would never "make it," around a campfire! ,-)

Anonymous said...

AT least you could eat it! Sorry for the difficulties, but your re-telling was hysterical!

The Songster said...

I am laughing so hard! So much work for just a simple dinner! Bleh!
Reminded me of that time when I was sick and you were cooking some split pea soup and the stove caught on fire. Good times, good times! Don't curse me lol :)

Anonymous said...

That is so funny!!!

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Just read your comment over on Vee's rant about spamers and crap-o-la, in blog comments.

I still can't understand why you get an excessive amount of spam, when you have Comment Verification turned on... But have Word Verification turned off. As you said you do.

I take it that you get loads and loads of spam, which you have to Delete, when you don't have Word Ver. on. Nor just one or two, but loads and loads.

I'd love to know the "why" of this. Is there some sort of trigger, which "attracts" spam, to your blog? But not to all the rest of us, who don't use Word Ver.?

Did you ever ask Blogger about this? Report it to Blogger? Get a response from Blogger, about it? Get suggestions from Blogger, about this?

I *hate* a mystery. ,-)

myletterstoemily said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
myletterstoemily said...


when i first got here and saw the
fish, i jumped, thinking i landed
on a men's blog.


BevB said...

Hilarious! unless it happened to you. You're a good sport for sharing it with us. We've all had a disaster like this and when we see we're not alone,it makes it easier to laugh at ourselves

Kristen said...

This is so great - the best part though, is that it tasted delicious! That in itself cracked me up. And I wouldn't know how to cook a fish if it sat up and started explaining how! :)

Vickie said...

Hooowieee! Now that's some funny stuff there, I don't care who ya are! We need a video of this, girl! THanks for sharing - at YOUR expense of course!